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‘I Can’t Believe I Ever Considered That’: Utah Mom Sought Abortion, Four Words From a Nurse Changed Her Life Forever

Photo by Carlo Navarro/Unsplash
Photo by Carlo Navarro/Unsplash
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By Tré Goins-Phillips
Editor

March 9, 2020

Fourteen years ago, Ashley Mitchell spent the winter harboring a big secret. She was 7-and-a-half-months pregnant before her parents knew she was having a baby.

Mitchell had every intention of having an abortion. She and the guy she was with at the time decided ending the pregnancy was the best option for them, so she headed to a clinic to have the abortion. But after a consultation, a nurse told Mitchell she was too far along in her pregnancy — abortion was no longer an option.

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This week we are talking with Ashley Mitchell (@bigtoughgirl). She is the owner of Big Tough Girl and Founder + Executive Director of Lifetime Healing Foundation and has set out to seek increased care, understanding, and resources for birth mothers. ⁠ ⁠ Ashley is a birth mother herself, placing her now 13 year old son at birth and proceeding with an open adoption. Ashley and I talk about her story, supporting birth mothers after adoption, the current state of some adoption programs, and what she hopes for in the adoption community. ⁠ ⁠ I really enjoyed hearing about Ashley's experiences and her perspective. Like Ashley says, she's only one voice, but she hopes that her openness and work at creating a space for birth moms leads to a place where others feel validated, seen and heard. ⁠ ⁠ This episode is hosted by @emily.reddington. (Thanks Linds for doing my intro! I lost my voice and I promise you wouldn't have wanted to hear me eek through trying to introduce Ashley!)⁠ ⁠ ⁠ You can find this episode on any podcast platform and it is also linked in our profile. And if you enjoyed it, let us know! Subscribe and leave a review, share it with a friend who you think would enjoy it, or share it on social media!⁠ ⁠ ⁠ ⁠ ⁠ #theilluminatepodcast⁠ #adoption⁠ #birthmothers⁠ #bigtoughgirl⁠ ⁠

A post shared by The iLLUMINATE Podcast (@theilluminatepodcast) on Mar 4, 2020 at 3:32am PST

“I went to the abortion clinic in Salt Lake City and a nurse came in and she said four words that changed my life forever,” Mitchell recalled during a recent interview on The Illuminate Podcast. “She said, ‘We can’t help you.’ She said, ‘You’re too far along.’ And in just seconds, four words completely changed the course of my life forever, changed generations, changed so much more than I even knew at the time, that didn’t even exist at the time.”

Pregnant with a baby boy, Mitchell was 26 years old.

She was immediately smacked with two options: adoption or motherhood.

“For me, at that time, adoption just became my option,” she said. “People tell me, ‘Oh my gosh, thank you for choosing life.’ And I was like, ‘You know, life kinda chose him,’ because that’s the headspace I was in. And I’m very grateful for that moment.”

Netflix Star Discusses Painful Reality of Abortion for Women: ‘I Can’t Survive That Again’

“I didn’t know how much I needed him now and how amazing he is,” she continued, referring to the son she ultimately gave up for adoption. He is now 13 years old. “I look at him now and I can’t believe that I ever considered that,” Mitchell added.

So at eight months pregnant, Mitchell began the difficult process of choosing her soon-to-be-born child’s parents. She spent a full 24 hours just flipping through a scrapbook of dozens of family profiles before she ultimately narrowed it down to two couples. The trying process gave her a window into the “devastating” pain of so many adoptive parents who have lost children or struggled with infertility.

“I had narrowed it down to the two, and I went to bed — I was staying at my parents’ during this time,” said Mitchell. “I put them on the nightstand and I said, ‘This is as far as I can go. I cannot pick.’ And I just prayed, ‘Please give me clarity when I roll over in the morning and I look at their faces, because I cannot pick. This is too much.’”

“And I woke up and I knew as soon as I looked at them who it was going to be,” she continued. Mitchell said she thinks about the woman she didn’t choose “all the time,” wondering — hoping — she was picked by another person.

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So when her son’s birthday came, on April 4 of that year, Mitchell vowed she wasn’t going to hold her child. She was just going to pass him to his adoptive parents. That, though proved to be too hard. As soon as he was born, Mitchell said, she reached for her son.

She explained the many “sacred” nights when it was just the two of them, before she told anyone she was pregnant. She recalled the conversations she had with him and the overwhelming emotions that came with finally meeting him.

Mitchell’s son’s adoptive family connected with him immediately over the few days after his birth. Mitchell, for her part, spent her last remaining days with her son talking with him, praying over him, and “memorizing” him, asking him for forgiveness.

Since it was an open adoption, Mitchell now has a relationship with her teenage son. She is now the mother of two children, a son and a daughter.

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To my dearest Derek, Wow, we have been through so much in the past 13 years! You have fought literally for your life. We have lived through silence and me having more kids that I parent, and visits and sleepovers and tough questions and you heart to know your birth father and so much more. It is not fair that this is our relationship. It’s not fair that these things were put on you without your permission. It’s not fair that looking back brings up more questions than answers. It’s not fair that one single decision changed generations. But ya know what? I am so proud of us. We keep showing up, keep talking, keep processing and we keep feeling…feeling everything we need to feel so that we can keep coming back to each other. I almost made a decision that would have eliminated your existence. You don’t owe me for your life and it may not be the life you would have wished for, and maybe it is…but I know, for me…I am so glad you are here, in my life, living your life. Wherever this journey takes us I am here, all in. Through the hard and uncomfortable to the easy and laughter and love. I wasn’t there when I should have been, when I couldn’t be….and I know enough to know that we will both have more seasons of navigating these things….but I know we can do it! I love you, in spite of everything, I love you. I am proud of you and your life my amazing boy….your life matters!!

A post shared by Ashley Mitchell•Big Tough Girl (@bigtoughgirl) on Feb 19, 2020 at 6:04am PST

You can listen to the rest of Mitchell’s conversation here.

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